The Old Curmudgeon

By Jeremiah Wainwright

Due to the overwhelming  response from my initial column -(isn’t “old curmudgeon” redundant?) - I’ve been asked to reveal more of my plans for the future.

Once I seize control, of course.

CONVICTED POLITICIANS

Any politician convicted of a felony - perjury, obstruction of justice, fondling pages, taking bribes, having affairs (a la’ Newt Gingrinch,Bill Clinton,  John Kerry, John Kennedy, Lyndon Johnson), whoever - shall be executed at dawn the next day. Their choice: sword, cannon, the rack or dismemberment. No appeals allowed.

If they somehow get the offense knocked down to a misdemeanor, we’ll just remove some limbs and brand “miscreant” on their forehead as they’re escorted out of office.

And on the judge who knocked it down from a felony, as well.

Not that I have anything against “Scooter” Libby, of course, or his boss, the ex-Vice-Emperor Dick Cheney.

SALUTING THE FLAG

All school children will be required to say the pledge of allegiance (including “Under God”) and salute the American flag every morning before prayers. Any rebel kid who thinks he’s too good, or his dad is a director of the ACLU or is just too stupid to know that millions have died to keep him free, shall be expelled for good. He can live with dad forever.

NO TAXES ON THE MILITARY

Have you ever tried to live on what the military pays you, especially after taxes are taken out? Have you ever watched your mom work three jobs so that all the kids can eat while dad is sent TDY for a year or more? Been there, done that and no T-shirt. Under my reorganization of the tax code (everybody pays 15% of their income, no exemptions, no loopholes, no offshore accounts) no one in the military will have one penny taken from their paycheck for taxes.

The poor bastards work 12 to 18 hour days, seven days a week, get yelled at by everybody with more rank than them (or even just more seniority), get shot at, blown up, lose limbs, eyes, ears, and what do they get? Walter Reed. Under my plan, everyone accepted for the military is automatically a hero and shall be treated as such.

FRIVOLOUS LAWSUITS

Lawyers who make a living threatening to sue small businesses for obscure violations of some obscure federal law, and take big settlements to stay out of court, shall be imprisoned and placed in a cell with a large man named Bruno, who was wrongly convicted because his lawyer was incompetent (and there’s plenty of them). Harvard Law School, Stanford (and especially Berkeley Law’s Bolt Hall) and other such establishments shall be converted to something useful - such as trying to save the planet. (Remember Shakespeare’s warning.)

CHURCH AND STATE

I would advise the Catholic Church that it’s no longer exempt from taxes (Baptists and evangelists as well) and owes the U.S. government $12 trillion dollars, payable with a cashier’s check. Today. (And none can file bankruptcy to get out of paying, either.)

Any more hanky-panky with the altar boys and the culprits can either be transferred to the antarctic or the Wisconsin National Guard after a suitable penance yet to be determined but definitely painful.

TV would be banned from showing preachers of any kind unless any money donated went directly to Mozambique, Darfur or Zimbabwe to buy rice. Anyone in those countries who tries to confiscate the money or rice for their own personal good shall be taken to the Lion enclosure at the nearest zoo for deposit.

SELF DEFENSE, ET AL

I’d make it a law that all citizens must be armed at all times (sort of like Texas and South Jersey).

There will be no speed limits.

Members of the U.S. Supreme Court will have to wear red blazers, funny hats and a red nose, in keeping with their constant comical decisions. No one over 70 can serve and they can be voted out for stupid rulings.

Miniskirts will not be optional, they’ll be mandatory up to age 40. After that, they’ll have to have a permit issued by a select board of observers.

Anyone who drives in the HOV lanes must have at least three passengers, all of whom are alive (except in South Jersey).

The next time anyone gets a recorded message that says “press one for English” the company that recorded it will be deported to Venezuela.

MTV is banned. Gold necklaces and wheels that continue to spin when the car is stopped are banned, Cadillac Escalades will explode if moved by anyone other than the owner. Anyone from any country caught here illegally won’t be taken to the border and released; they’ll be sent to the antarctic.

We have large ships wasting time and money now going to Iraq that will be available.

I have other ideas to improve life in this state and nation.