Sanford’s Lament, or, Where Will All The Fighter Pilots Go?

News item: The United States Navy is considering the use of at least two versions of Unmanned Combat Air Vehicles to be stationed aboard their aircraft carriers to be used for combat air patrols, land strikes and reconnaissance.

By Sanford Hughes

Us old Navy pilots are wondering how this UCAV business will affect the honorable traditions of Naval Aviation - the squadron ready rooms, the "dirty shirt" mess, screwing with nuggets' minds, the annual squadron follies and, of course, the "hijinks" on liberty for which fighter and attack pilots are famous.

It's going to be a disaster, of course, as dweebs with slide rules in their pockets and subscriptions to Popular Science begin populating the hallowed passageways of our proud fighting ships. It's bad enough that there's women driving Hornets around (although they are a pleasant sight in the wardroom) but my  years of residency on floating airfields among the highest caliber of pilots causes me to wonder if the Navy knows what the heck they're doing. Something I've always wondered, of course.

Picture this, instead of a ready room full of swarthy, sweaty fighter jocks demanding to see the latest porno flick (that probably also went out with women pilots), we'll have sanitized, air conditioned control centers where graduates of the Navy's Unmanned Airplane School will be watching computer screens. And they won't even have control sticks, just mouses and keyboards.

(Pacific Flyer, which is an honorary member of the Dandylions, the official order of military pilots, just got a hot e-mail from their leader about how the Air Force is preparing to let its UCAV "pilots" draw flight pay. But the Air Force has always had a curious way of approaching reality.)

So do we call them aircraft carriers any more or unmanned vehicle launchers? And will we even need LSOs to help them come aboard and grade their landings?

Unlikely, since a computer somewhere controls everything they do. But what worries me are the social aspects of it. Believe it or don't, but the U.S. Navy flying community is one big brotherhood (with lots of new "sisters" in it nowadays) and that's one of its major appeals.

Carrier pilots come with a chip on their shoulder because they know how - and have the cojones to even try - to land a 20 ton airplane going 160 knots on a 300 feet long runway 35-50 feet wide moving away from them at  up to 40+ knots, at a 15 degree angle, with a huge downdraft right at the threshold, at night, in a thunderstorm. Failure is not an option.

Air Force pilots, I've been told (by fellow Navy pilots), tend to panic at the sight of a runway "only" 10,000 feet long and 200 feet wide with a six knot crosswind. Oh, they're great pilots and some have even transitioned over to real flying, Navy style.

But what happens to the brotherhood now if the UCAVs take over? Who's gonna' "call the ball," "catch a three wire," endure a 15G catshot into a lightning storm in the middle of the night?

The biggest danger UCAV "pilots" will face is tripping over a knee knocker on the way to the wardroom. Man, that stings.

And do they get the cherished wings of gold? Maybe the Navy will come up with a special set of wings for them, with a chair or a computer in the middle instead of the fouled anchor and shield.

And what will they have to brag about? They can't "shoot down their watches" at the local aviators' bar. And will this mean the end of the "dirty shirt" mess where aviators could wear their flight suits to eat sliders, drink bug juice and talk trash about other squadrons?

Will there even be speed jeans anymore? Or brown shoes? Or flight suits? Does the Tailhook Association know about this?